By Jaimi Erickson
Contributing Writer
What season of MilSpouse life are you in right now? Are you brand new? Have you been through a deployment or two and feel a little salty?
After a decade or so as a military spouse, you qualify as a seasoned spouse. Even more seasoned are the spouses of the military lifers — the servicemembers who have been serving in the military for their entire adult life and will reach retired status.
Each season of military spouse life is special and holds its own unique joy. Even if we never know it all — although the seasoned spouses reading this think we do — every stage of the military spouse journey teaches its own lessons.
Lessons of Each Season of Military Spouse Life
Brand-New MilSpouse
When I was a brand-new military spouse, I envisioned all the positives that military life would bring into my life. I saw my role as one of service alongside my husband. I made friends easily with everyone I could.
It was a precious season for me because the relationships were all encouraging. Everyone wanted to make the experience great and looked for ways to support each other. There were baby showers and coffee dates, barbeques and unit functions. In the beginning, there was so much time invested in being all-in as a military spouse and family.
If you are a new military spouse, lean into the excitement, eagerness, and energy you are feeling. Learn all you can about your branch of service. Look for ways to volunteer in your unit, base or community and enjoy all the new friendships and connections you will make.
Seasoned Spouses
You’ve been there done that, but there’s still always something new to learn. There are positive aspects to being a seasoned spouse, but there are also some downsides. Change becomes familiar in military life, but each new change brings lessons and opportunities.
Some military spouses get attached to their servicemember’s rank. They begin to view their value only in terms of what the military says about the servicemember. At a neighborhood gathering, I overheard one military spouse say to another, “You are somebody now.” It was after the spouse’s husband was promoted in rank and given a very coveted job title. I am sure my cringe was seen even as I tried to hide it.
While some seasoned spouses think their value is defined by their husband’s rank or position, there are always others who view life through a fuller lens. These seasoned and life-er spouses are grounded in understanding the positives and living through the negatives of military spouse life. They know that sometimes things go well and sometimes you need to adjust.
If you are a seasoned spouse, recognize that new spouses look to you as a role model. How you define and present yourself will set an example for how other military spouses view their own value. Since you have experienced so much more than they have and you have developed a perspective on what really matters, you are in a position to nurture these younger spouses.
The Salty Season
Your perspective can say a lot about you. We all know a salty spouse — they have experience, but that experience has led them to have a deflated mindset. Perhaps their elevated dreams of the romantic aspects of MilSpouse life were dashed. Maybe they were not chosen for a leadership position that would have helped them feel valued. Or maybe their servicemember was passed over for promotion. These spouses do not view military life through rose-colored glasses.
The military asks so much of our servicemembers and, therefore, from us as well. Sadly, we do not often get the recognition we deserve. Once a year at a military ball celebration, we might get some time in the spotlight amidst the celebration of our servicemember’s military branch.
However, we can offer that recognition to each other. I respect you enough to see the season you are in and remember that it is part of your current journey. It won’t be where you are forever.
If you find your saltiness is increasing, take a breath and a step back. Connect with your MilSpouse friends and have a vent session. The best way to get rid of a negative mindset is to let it out with those who understand. Your military spouse community comes in very handy here. Just don’t spread your salt around or leave it lingering to fester. The best people you will meet are the fellow military spouses who grow and flex with you — throughout every season you experience. Your fellow MilSpouses will bring a realistic, grounded view, not judgment or competition. They are the friends you will cherish.
Although they may meet you at a low point, they know that you are simply on your journey. You may meet them when they cannot give anything to a friendship, so you offer more than you receive back.
Mindset Throughout Life in the Military
It takes a strong spouse to get into the salty season and come out of it with a satisfied point of view. Balancing your perspective and mindset in military life are the two keys to feeling content as you make your way through all seasons. Learn from the spouses along the way and focus on the positive you bring, no matter what the challenges you have experienced.
I have friends from all seasons in the military spouse journey. They never let it be the only factor that defines their personal value. Being a military spouse is a part of them, but not the most important part.
Keep in mind that every military spouse brings a unique perspective to the table. Know your value. Keep growing through each duty station, deployment and season of military life.
About Jaimi Erickson
Jaimi is a mom of 4, military wife, and writer. She blogs about motherhood, kids activities and homemaking tips at The Stay-at-Home Mom Survival Guide. Connect with her on Instagram, Facebook or Pinterest.
