By Jaimi Erickson
Contributing Writer
Labor Day hit me differently this year because my husband’s dream job of military service has ended.
Being in the military is more than just a job.
To be a member of the military was my husband’s life goal. After completing Boot Camp and Officer Candidates’ School, he started to fulfill that goal as he was molded into a Marine. For more than 20 years, wherever the military sent him, he went. Whenever the military needed him at work, he was there.
The military was the ruling party through our marriage.
When my husband joined the military, we needed to change our mindset — we had to acknowledge that the military mission had become our common goal. The mission came first, and we each played a part in supporting it. Our focus on the mission required the selflessness necessary for service.
Discovering New Identities in Retirement
After decades of service, the time spent on active duty ends and a reboot begins. The retirement transition is not just about finding a new job and moving to a new location. This transition is one of great emotional turmoil that can feel like you’re shedding one identity and forming another.
Not all retirement paths are paved with open doors and neon signs of what the best step is for the family. Retirement can strain a military marriage. Fortunately, there are several ways to mentally prepare for the transition.
1. Step into Coach and Caregiver Mode
Retirement ushers in a total identity shift, which started for my husband when he began terminal leave. He stopped going in to work every day and instead his time was spent working on tasks that needed to be completed at home.
After a month of terminal leave, I could see in my husband’s face that he was starting to miss having a job. I expected my role to change when my husband retired, but not in the way it did. Not having a jobfelt like a loss for him, so I shifted into being a coach and caregiver for him. I wanted my husband to see our family as his new act of service. He needed to detach his core value being connected to hiswork. For some reason I assumed my husband would step in and take over what I had been doing for the last 20 years, that is, he would become the stay-at-home dad while I went to work.
But it turns out that role is not easy to give up when you have been the one doing the meal planning, making the kids’ doctors’ appointments and monitoring what needs to be done around the house for two decades. I had created a strong rhythm and a method, which presented issues as I tried to work and he took care of our home in my place.
I shifted into work mode by setting longer office hours and writing more consistently than I had been able to do in years. However, when it came to dinnertime, I had to make a meal plan. When there were appointments to schedule, I knew the contacts. When there was a homeschool year to prepare for, I was the one with the knowledge to plan it.
As a military spouse, it was important to prepare for the challenges of retirement, but it was just as important to be flexible regarding any unrealistic changes. Be open to some things staying the same. It was vital that my husband and I worked together to plan for our post-retirement life. The more open and honest we were, the smoother the transition felt.
We settled on my husband looking for a new full-time job while I continued to focus on the home while adding extra work hours every day. My family still needed me home and available; he needed to find a second career to gain a schedule and purpose again.
2. Take Time to Reconnect During Terminal Leave
Terminal leave provided a sweet time to be present for each other during the transition. It felt like a dream. Our family was together every day. I had a helper at home to go grocery shopping or drive kids to their activities.
After two decades of serving for the sake of the mission, my husband and I could spend time assessing our own needs and wants. We could steer the ship of career and life goals in whatever direction we chose. Since there were no more military orders to follow, we found a whole horizon of options.
Moving from the active-duty lifestyle is not only a final PCS, but it is a change of goals, ambitions, and mindset. It requires taking a one day at a time approach because some days can be incredibly challenging.
3. The Role of a Veteran Military Spouse
Obviously, the role of a military spouse during active duty is different than the Veteran spouse role in the civilian world. My husband’s new job does not ask me to volunteer to build community or volunteer on my own time.
Military spouses are often the anchors of the home. That steadfast role does not change when the servicemember retires. We are familiar with how to keep the family moving forward no matter what military lifestyle challenges come our way.
With that role no longer needed, I can focus on my goals using the strengths I developed through my military spouse journey. Retirement from the military allows me to shed the unspoken requirements of military spouse life and lean into a new identity for this chapter of life.
Read also: The Transition Timeline for Military Retirement – What I Wish I’d Known
About Jaimi Erickson
Jaimi is a mom of 4, military wife, and writer. She blogs about motherhood, kids activities and homemaking tips at The Stay-at-Home Mom Survival Guide. Connect with her on Instagram, Facebook or Pinterest.
