By Jaimi Erickson
Contributing Writer
There are some very heated debates amongst military spouses in the Marine Corps as to which bases are the best and which are barely livable. For every duty station, there are military spouses who love it and there are those who can’t stand it.
My family has been to many of these bases and there are always positives and negatives. Sometimes in military life, we can feel lost. We sacrifice so much with every move, yet we always grow and change. We leave parts of ourselves behind at those difficult duty stations, but we uncover strengths we never knew we had.
What Is a Military Spouse?
An aspect of military life that isn’t discussed often is managing your military spouse identity: Are we just an appendage to our servicemember? The whole “dependent” argument has been hotly debated. Are military spouses dependent on their servicemembers; receiving more than they give? Or are military spouses and servicemembers co-dependent on one another to serve successfully. In my experience, it is the latter. My servicemember agrees. The military spouse picks up and carries the ball caused when military service cannot accommodate family commitments.
Military spouses contribute to their families and their country. They are the financial planners, the logistics coordinators, and the ones who maintain consistency at home. Servicemembers may get the spotlight because, after all, they’re putting their lives on the line, but military spouses work behind the scenes to ensure they have the stability back at home they can count on so they can do their jobs without worry. Like a Broadway show, the people who work behind the scenes are just as essential for producing a successful production as those who work on stage. Military spouses are the behind-the-scenes crew — and the show must always go on.
Feeling Lost in Military Life
As a newly retired spouse, I am grateful for my husband’s military service. I saw every moment of challenge he encountered when he was home. I heard about his work environment and how it affected his career. I was the sounding board, the supporter, the cheerleader and the one who filled the gaps in managing our home life alone when he was called away for deployments.
When he phoned to say he was running late due to a last-minute meeting, I adjusted dinner plans and drove the kids to their activities myself. When he was told with short notice that he had to complete an investigation for a mishap on base, I took the kids to spend time with their grandparents on my own.
Looking back on my personal military spouse journey, I see all that I had to put on the backburner to keep my family in balance. I do not regret a single moment and I certainly feel personal satisfaction in what I have accomplished. All military spouses should allow themselves to feel their own sense of accomplishment.
When I was a new military spouse, I was eager to start the journey of service. I looked at being a military spouse as an important volunteer role. In time, I realized how the constant volunteer culture of that role can cause you to forget that you have your own identity outside of it. It can be draining to always be supporting the unit, being in the know, and making it to every social function. At some point, I felt I could no longer fulfill the expectations of my role.
Nowhere to Serve
Early on in our military marriage, my husband was deployed for a year in Iraq. As an Individual Augment (IA), my husband was ripped from our home unit and he was added to a deploying unit that needed spots filled. At the time, I had a new baby, a lot of medical needs, and our home unit did not allow me to participate in family volunteer roles.
When I contacted the family readiness advisor on base, I asked if I could volunteer to host a coffee for fellow spouses. I was told that I was not eligible, which put me in a mental funk. My goal as a new MilSpouse was to make sure other spouses had a community if they wanted one. This idea was instantly dashed, as were my ideas about what my life as a military spouse could look like.
A military unit not allowing a willing spouse to volunteer confused me. Being pushed out of the military community that way caused me to have to deal with things alone. However, it all worked out for me at later units. I was welcomed in and even spearheaded some community-building. I got my desired experience. Today, we are in a military culture shift and many military spouses choose to stay far away from their servicemember’s unit. While it is great that spouses who do not want to be involved have that choice, there are spouses out there who need community to cope. As MilSpouses, we need to provide that community together. If we don’t build community, when we need it, it won’t be there for us.
Transition Skillset
The times when you are at a transitional duty station or when you are preparing for your spouse’s retirement will put you in a weird space. You want to continue leaning into the relationships you have made, but you also are transitioning to the next place.
One thing we know how to do as military spouses is how to transition. We do it between every duty station. We do it before and after deployments. If you want to enjoy military life, get good at transitions, even though those periods of change can make you feel stuck or unsure.
In these stagnant seasons, I asked myself a few questions: Do I lean in to where I am or look forward to where I’ll be? Should I invest in the community we’re currently in, or start researching where we are going?
The answer is not easy: You do all of the above.
That is how you survive the times when you are in a military spouse funk. You feel it but you also look for what comes next. It’s not easy to navigate, but the lonely times in military life do catapult us to new levels of personal growth.
The truth about these weird seasons is that they do end. We can overcome them. We can learn the lessons they will teach us and we can move on. It’s okay to not enjoy every place, every community, and every season of MilSpouse life. Remember that it will all help you grow and thrive as you gain strength and patience in the journey.
About Jaimi Erickson
Jaimi is a mom of 4, military wife, and writer. She blogs about motherhood, kids activities and homemaking tips at The Stay-at-Home Mom Survival Guide. Connect with her on Instagram, Facebook or Pinterest.
